The last time we attended was almost 9 months after our first miscarriage, which we lost due to a ruptured ectopic pregnancy in October 2009. Tonight, I realized what a completely different place we are in today compared to two years ago.
Tonight, I was surrounded by my amazing husband and my precious son, while feeling the movements of our Nora in utero. All of which were comforting, but it also got me thinking about our journey.
We started trying for a family the fall of 2004. After a few months of trying, I was already quite concerned for our prospects of getting pregnant due to my diagnosis of poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) in 2001. After a small intervention by my doctor, we were pleasantly surprised by a positive pregnancy test in June 2005. We were expecting Luke! June 12, 2005, our first positive pregnancy test, marked the beginning of our journey as parents. We were beyond blessed when Luke joined us on February 16, 2006!
A few years after Luke arrived, we decided we were ready to try to expand our family. So, in October 2008, we began trying again with reserved optimism. We had no idea if it would take us close to a year to conceive again like it did with Luke or what the future would hold.
A year passed without any positive pregnancy tests, so we finally met with our family medicine doctor to see if there was anything we could be doing to help our efforts. He started me on a medication that is thought to help women with PCOS in August 2009. By October 2009, we were pregnant with our second baby! The pregnancy had warning signs from the beginning, but we were still SO excited to be expecting another child after trying for a year. On October 23, 2009, we learned that our baby had implanted in my left fallopian tube (instead of my uterus) and that my fallopian tube had ruptured due to the baby's growth. I had surgery the same day to remove my fallopian tube and our very young baby. Our second baby was due to join our family on June 13, 2010.
After recovering physically from surgery and beginning of the process of recovering mentally, emotionally, and spiritually from our loss, we were told that I should continue on the medication I started in August 2009 and that we could try again. Trying this time was not filled with as much optimism as before, but even after our loss, we knew we wanted to expand our family. So, we tried again, for about a year and a half. We finally decided in the spring of 2011 to meet with an infertility specialist to see if she had any options for us. After testing both Brent and I, she did not find any reason that we should not be conceiving. This was good, yet confusing news. Why had we had no success after another year and a half of trying??? The infertility doctor decided to increase my medication (by 4 times) and she was optimistic that we would conceive again. After just one month of increasing my medication, we were ecstatic to learn in May 2011 that we were pregnant with our third child!
We had been told after our ectopic pregnancy experience that we should be seen early in the pregnancy to be sure that this baby implanted in the uterus where it belonged. So, even though we had no warning signs like with our second pregnancy, we visited the doctor about 6 weeks into our pregnancy. He told us that our baby was indeed implanted in my uterus and that it was measuring 5 weeks in size and that he could not confidently see a heartbeat yet since the baby was so small. He advised that we return when we were 8 weeks pregnant. We returned at 8 weeks to learn that our baby had not grown past 5 weeks gestation and that it did not have a heartbeat. Our third baby was due to join our family on January 6, 2012.
The loss of our third baby was completely different than the loss of our second baby in every way: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Once again, after a couple months of physical healing, we began trying again to expand our family. We were very surprised to have another positive pregnancy test in October 2011. We were very cautiously optimistic with our fourth pregnancy. We were afraid to tell anyone, but really most afraid to let the reality sink into our hearts for fear of losing another baby. Unfortunately our fears were realized when we miscarried only a few days later. Our fourth baby was due to join our family on June 14, 2012.
The loss of our fourth baby was again very different from the loss of our second and third babies. This time my heart was hardened and very little hope was present for the possibility of expanding our family. But, we decided to visit our infertility doctor once again. We felt like our situation had changed considerably in the past six months. We had gone from years of trying with infrequent success in conceiving to two pregnancies and miscarriages in five months. Our discussion with the infertility doctor in early November 2011 was focused on how keep a pregnancy rather than how to get pregnant. Our doctor recommended that I start taking a baby aspirin a day and to use hormone supplements in hopes that the combination would sustain an early pregnancy.
Low and behold, we had a positive pregnancy test just weeks after visiting the doctor. By Thanksgiving, we learned we were pregnant with our fifth baby! Did the medication changes recommended by our doctor make a difference in that short of a time??? All I know is that I was a nervous wreck. We were scheduled for our first ultrasound at seven weeks. I was so nervous the day of the ultrasound that our doctor thought I was suffering from morning sickness just by looking at my pale face. We were SO relieved to hear the ultrasound tech say that she saw the heart beat! In our thoughts, we were not out of the woods yet, but it was a step in the right direction. We had another ultrasound at eleven weeks and once again got to see our baby's heart beat. Our OB doctor was kind enough to schedule us appointments every two weeks until our anatomy scan at 18 weeks as he knew it eased our minds considerably. On February 16, 2012, the day our first born turned six years old, we learned that we had a healthy baby girl on the way. We couldn't have been more relieved. Our fifth baby is due to join our family July 17, 2012.
Our journey has been filled with peaks and valleys and has taken far longer than we ever expected, but it has also brought us to the exact place we are today. I do not understand why we do not have a nearly two year old (if our second pregnancy had not been lost). I do not understand why we do not have a four month old (if our third pregnancy had not been lost). And, it gets even more complex from there...if our third pregnancy had not been lost, we never would have experienced the loss of our fourth pregnancy and I would not be feeling Nora moving around inside me as I type today. There are still so many pieces that don't make sense and many questions we cannot answer. But our reality is that we are blessed with a six year old boy who has brightened our days even in the midst of the valleys, that three of our babies are awaiting us in heaven, and that, God-willing, we will meet our baby girl this summer.
Someone asked me today if we would be done having kids after Nora is born...if I have learned nothing else from the past seven years, it is that we do not know what the future holds and that our best laid plans can take turns we never expected.
In memory of the babies we have yet to meet:
Baby #2 ~ Lost October 2009
Baby #3 ~ Lost May 2011
Baby #4 ~ Lost October 2011
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