Recently Read: The Lost Husband

When I read a book, even fiction, I like to keep tabs on my favorite quotes from it.  I recently read The Lost Husband by Katherine Center.  I've read all of her books and especially enjoy that all of her main characters are mothers with young children. I can relate for some reason;)  I suggest you check her out for a quick, light-hearted read about the self discoveries that continue to impact mom as she mothers young children. 

Characters:

• Libby - Widowed mother of two kids: Abby (8) and Tank (6)
• Jean - Libby's aunt who runs a goat farm and invited Libby to live with her and work on the farm

Some of my favorite quotes from The Lost Husband...I hope they impact you even though you have not read the book:)  My comments are in blue.

All I knew was that watching your children survive their childhoods was so much worst than surviving your own. 

Can I get an amen!  I've thought this so many times as I watch Luke experience some very similar personality traits and situations that I remember all too well from my childhood. 

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Libby:  "I don't want my kids to be like me.  I want them to be better than me."
Aunt Jean: "They're (referring to her two kids) going to be different.  They're just going to be their own selves with their own struggles and disappointments and heartbreaks."

I share similar thoughts to the first quote above.

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You can never appreciate your children so fully as when they are asleep, when you're just a bystander.  Awake they're looking at you--for answer, for reactions--and being looked at can make it hard to see.  When they're asleep, though, it frees you to do some looking yourself.

So very true.

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They did a study a while ago that discovered old people were quite a bit happier than young people.  And nobody could understand it.  How could it be that people in nursing homes were happier than their sexy young counterparts?  All these theories went around.  Maybe it was because they'd made their big decisions already and didn't have them looming ahead.  Maybe it was because they were past the intensity of dealing with children.  Maybe it was some kind of age-induced brain damage.  But then one researcher got it right.  He said they were happier because they had already learned what life had to teach them. 

I think about that idea a lot when we talk about Abby (the daughter) and her bully--about whether his behavior is tearing her down or making her stronger. And I wonder if stepping in and protecting people from the pain of life actually makes life more painful in the end.

As a therapist (Aunt Jean speaking), I always tell people that it's not really what happens to you that matters as much as who you become in response to those things.

So much truth!  Our experiences, good or bad, add up to who we are today.

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I (Libby) found myself thinking about how parents always seem like giants to their kids. They seem to control the whole world.  But of course that's just perspective.  It's not that parents are big, it's that kids are small.  It's not that parents are powerful, it's that kids are powerless.  My kids made the mistake all the time of thinking I should know things that I didn't, or that I should be able to solve things that I couldn't.  There was no way for them to understand that I was just me--just a former child myself.  And for the first time it hit me that my mother, in this way at least, was exactly the same. 

I often remember how I used to think that my mom knew everything and I also thought she could see through walls because she always knew when I needed her.  It makes me wonder how Luke views me and Brent...if we're super heroes in his mind too:)  It's so interesting to think about now that I'm "on the other side" of parenting.

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Libby's response after Abby, her daughter, got in a fight at school.
I am an awesome mom.  And do you know what makes me awesome?  Because I try so hard.  I let you down sometimes, and I forget your lunch sometimes, and I certainly can't protect you from everything.  But I don't give up.  Even though I make mistakes, and even though I'm nowhere even close to the perfect mother that I'd give anything for you and Tank to have, I pick myself up after every stumble and I get back after it and I keep trying--harder than I've ever tried at anything in my life.  Because raising you and Tank is the most important thing I will ever do.
"You really do try, Mama."  Abby said.
I nodded, feeling like I was giving her a terrific life lesson.  "And that's what makes anybody great at anything.  Just trying like hell."
"You hear that, right? Because I think that's probably the smartest thing I will ever say to you."

Sometimes it's the simplest things we tell our kids that make the most impact:)

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I would always miss Danny (deceased husband).  No matter how full my life became, there would always be a hole where his living presence had been.  But the truth was, I was already better.  And not despite that hole--but because of it.  His loss was now a part of the story of my life.  And that was okay.  the things I had weren't negated by the things I didn't have.  In fact, missing things made having other things that much sweeter.  And, what's more, the very worst thing I could possibly imagine had happened to me, but I was still okay. 

You can't just wish strength for yourself.  Or wisdom.  Or resilience.  Those things have to be earned.  I felt calm as I thought about it.  I never would have traded Danny for those things.  Now that I had them, though, I had no choice but to be grateful.

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I'd tried so hard to make a perfect, untouchable life for myself.  But trouble finds you.  Tragedy finds you.  And we keep trying anyway.  We hope for the best.  We believe we can make something for ourselves--something good that will last--even though, at the exact same time, we know we can't.

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Anything was possible.  Everything was uncertain.  But I knew one thing for sure: I'd bounced back before, and I would do it again and again and again.  Because that's the only choice there is.  And as many things as I still had to lose, I had just as many more left to find. 

Remembering past resilience gives me so much more confidence for the future.