Recently Read: Growing Up Firstborn

I recently read Growing Up Firstborn: The Pressure and Privilege of Being Number One, by Dr. Kevin Leman.  I love Dr. Leman!  I heard him speak in person about five years ago and have read several of his books on family and psychology.  His work fascinates me and he's an all around fun guy to read and listen to as well:)  He has several books on the topic of birth order and how it impacts personality traits and I find it fascinating.  I decided to read this book since I'm a firstborn and to give me more insight into my children.  You might wonder why I say children (plural) rather than child (Luke).  Well, Dr. Leman would say that Nora could take on firstborn traits for two reasons:  she is the firstborn girl in the family and there are more than five years between her and Luke.  I'm not entirely sure yet if she has firstborn tendencies.  I guess we'll see as she grows up:)

It was amazing how many times I felt like Dr. Leman wrote parts of this book about me.  I am a pronounced firstborn personality.

As usual, I have many quotes I'd like to document from the book:

If you want something done properly, get a firstborn to do it!  The problem starts when a firstborns overorganize and seek to overachieve at their own expense -- when they never feel that their efforts are good enough or they never feel free to be the people they really want to be.  And, perhaps, were meant to be.

From a counseling session between a firstborn wife and her husband:
Husband: She drives me crazy!  She won't leave anything alone for a minute.  She's always talking about what needs to be done here and what we ought to do there, and I suppose I've learned over the years to tune her out.
Wife: I agree that I should try to be more relaxed and make a real effort to separate what absolutely has to be done now from what could at least wait until later.

It is hard for the firstborn to keep his leadership abilities hidden.  Other people just naturally seem to look to him to take charge.  But it's often just as hard, or even harder, for the firstborn to ignore those feelings within himself that are constantly causing him to see what needs to be done and then compelling him to take the matter into his own hands and do it.  If you find yourself caught in the trap of "If I don't do it, it won't get done, or it won't be done right," you have to remember, first of all, that it's not always easy to change the behavior of others.  It's easiest to start with yourself, and there are definite steps every firstborn can take to change this aspect of his life:

1. Practice saying "no"
2. Learn to let things go undone
3. Wait 24 hours before volunteering
4. Learn to express yourself
5. Try not to worry about the minor details
6. Try to become more accepting of others
7. Take time to relax
8. Don't box yourself in (referring to lists, goals, deadlines imposed by self)

People will count on you to do everything once they know that you will do everything.

Other firstborns live their entire lives stifling themselves because they don't want to do anything that could cause anyone else to stumble.

You have been given certain abilities and strengths that you and you alone possess.  The same is true for every other member of your family.  If you expect yourself to be the smartest, the most athletic, the most artistic, and so on, you are expecting far too much from yourself.  There is absolutely no reason for you to go around comparing yourself to others.  You will be better in some ways and not as good in other ways, and that's the way life has been designed.  You must remember that you are responsible only for being the best you can be, and that does not mean you are required to be better than others.  

Nobody is responsible for your happiness and well-being.  You can love your husband, but you can't depend on him to make you happy.  You can love your children, but if you're depending on them to make you happy, you're being unfair.  You can't go through your life taking the blame for everything, and neither can you go through life assigning blame for everything. 

The one who runs away from it all usually finds out, sooner or later, that he has traded one set of relationship problems for another, one package of job-related troubles for another, and that trading financial security of "freedom" was hardly a fair exchange.

You cannot expect someone to make you happy.  Happiness must come from within -- because you're satisfied with yourself and with the life you're living.  Happiness is a state of mine, and so is unhappiness.  Neither one of them depends on anything concrete, including your present situation.  

Many of us live the first half of our adult lives postponing satisfaction and the last half with regrets.  Fulfillment seems always to be just over the next hill. Many people think anxiety, worry, and tension are unavoidable as long as they're struggling with a problem or a decision.  This belief undermines their ability to solve problems and needlessly prolongs distress.  To some people this idea may seem revolutionary, but problems don't have to make you unhappy.  Life will always have its share of difficulties, in the midst of which you can choose to be satisfied, loving, and healthy.  ~ Harold H. Bloomfield in The Achilles Syndrome

There is no job more difficult (referring to parenting), more time-consuming, more painful (sometimes), or more rewarding (finally) than being a parent.  I have been asked what I believe is the biggest mistake most parents make.  My answer is this: The biggest mistake is to think that if you just love your children enough, they'll turn out alright.  Your children need your love--but they also need your discipline, your example, and your guidance in other ways.  

Firstborns tend to go in either of two directions: the compliant or the powerful.  The compliant are pleasers.  They are the people who grow up overinvolved and who are forever trying to prove that they are good enough.  The powerful ones, on the other hand, are the types who learn very early that being firstborn carries with it a great deal of authority.

There is a world of difference between sharing with others because you know that is what you ought to do and refusing to stick up for yourself so that others can take complete advantage of you.  As a parent you can usually get close enough to the situation to discover your child's motives.  To a great extent your child's sense of self-worth and self-respect depends on you.  He needs to know that he has rights and that his needs and desires are just as important as anyone else's.  You can't let him believe that his desires take precedence over anyone else's, but he ash to understand that he does matter.  He must come to see that you respect his opinions, his efforts, and that he does have some say in family matters.  

Firstborns may often tend to dominate his younger brother or sister.  His intention is to help, but his actions are actually harmful.  

Never choose short-term success at the expense of long-term goals.  Reality discipline involves keeping your eye on the big picture and coming to understand what your long-term goals for your children really are.  And that "reality" part has another meaning too.  If means that you try to have a realistic view of your children's capabilities and that you don't put undue pressure on them.  

Four common mistakes parents make in dealing with their firstborn children:

1. Expecting too much from your firstborn
2. Using your firstborn as a shock absorber
3. Using your firstborn as a scapegoat
4. Letting your firstborn watch you fight

Go ahead and tell him you're proud of him for making the right decision.  Be careful, of course, not to tie your encouragement to the level of accomplishment, but rather to the effort made.  What does that mean?  It means that if Johnny gives school his best effort, it doesn't really matter if he comes home with straight As.  The important thing is that you recognize the effort he's put into his schoolwork.  Your child should know that it's not as important to get straight As as it is to be an A sort of person.  

Doing everything for your child, or correcting everything they attempt to do on their own, results in your child feeling not good enough on their own and that they'll always need someone to bail them out.  Your "helping" is not allowing your children to grow, to become self-sufficient, and to feel good about themselves.

An Achilles Heel refers to the part of ourselves that is both our greatest handicap and our greatest challenge.  If we can accept and learn from our Achilles Heel, it can be a source of power, a stimulus to our growth, an essential part of our humanity.  Yet, too often, we are like Achilles, resisting our vulnerabilities and forgetting our strengths.  ~ Dr. Harold H. Bloomfield in The Achilles Syndrome

Having leadership ability does not mean you win every time.  If you've suffered a few setbacks along the way, that doesn't mean you're destined to be in the background all your life.  The world needs people who have the courage and the willingness to lead.  

Helpful tips to work against perfectionism:

1. See your setbacks as learning experiences
2. Learn to strive for excellence instead of perfection
3. Take a realistic look at yourself
4. Learn to live in the real world
5. Face up to your fears
6. Take responsibility for your actions

My favorite take aways from the book: